Uncategorized

Outfit # 8 – I am an awkward social potato

 

“I wish I had your self-confidence, your self-love.” 

Words I often hear, and inside of me a little, tiny voice whispers “I do, too…” 

As weird as t might seem as a blogger, my confidence level often is low – I can be a drama queen and sometimes I do bathe in attention (all bloggers do somewhat, if we didn’t we would simply write a diary and not even bother putting our stuff out there in public) but most of the time I am rather shy, kept to myself and a socially awkward potato… 

I think, “potato” describes my behavior at social gatherings in real life very well. As confident I might seem to some in outfit pictures and on Facebook and on my blog, with all those tattoos, colorful hair and makeup – as unsure I am in person, shy at first and quietly checking out people around before I start opening up. That, in combination with what is usually called a “resting bitch face”, does not really make me the life of the party, on the contrary. I guess people eye me as awkwardly as I do them. 

I usually am careful when I first meet people, ever so slowly opening up, untrusting, ever slightly afraid of judgement, even though I acquired a healthy and soul-saving attitude of “eff you and your judgmental narrow-mindedness” – some little tiny part of me is still very afraid of being judged. 

Well, put all that together and I guess yeah, potato turns out to be a very well-fitting description… 

I usually just sit in a corner, observe and try not to do anything stupid or draw attention – because I am shy and really just don’t know what to say and am afraid to say something wrong. 

The problem is, people often don’t see the shy little girl that I feel like, clutching her imaginary teddy bear, almost overwhelmed with social anxiety and stage fright – no, they see a grown up woman, covered in tattoos and with wild hair, sky high heels and makeup and attire that are usually more fit for the Oscar reception than the mommy afternoon play group meeting, resting bitch face fully loaded. They think I am an arrogant little thing that probably thinks I am better than everybody else. 

That is not just an assumption, I had many people tell me so – well, the ones I managed to talk to and convince them of the fact that I actually do not bathe in the blood of virgins to stay young… 

Maybe that explains a little why I blog – the internet is easier, for me at least, somewhat. You can’t really mess up, you won’t step in gum, you won’t get toilet paper stuck in your skirt, you don’t get caught almost choking on a donut, you have a possibility to filter emotional outbreaks and you can always be witty. It is the internet, a witty answer is still witty 5 minutes later, after all, it kinda is common knowledge that we get distracted and have to leave the keyboard. In real life, you can’t just walk out on a conversation when you get upset, eat a sandwich, then anger ice cream, then fix up your lipstick and then storm back into the room with a witty, smart-ass answer… 

Fact is, real life makes us more vulnerable. 

Real life is us, unfiltered, uncensored. 

Mistakes, flaws, resting bitch face and all… 

So yeah, I am shy and I am a potato, I can’t help it – I learned to overcome the fear a little, but a little part of me will always be afraid, will always be that scared little girl that wants to cloth her teddy and hide under a blanket and not have to deal with reality, people and be grown up. 

But there is an upside, as afraid I still might be of judgment from others, I learned to accept myself and think highly of myself – the most important person to impress is yourself. 

We don’t have to please other people, we have to be happy and in peace with ourselves.

At least I don’t fear judgment from myself. 

My inner circle is small, but there I am a completely different person, a drama queen, loud, pretentious even sometimes, full of confidence and outgoing, a stage queen and show person… 

 

Around the people that matter, I am confident, I don’t hold back, I don’t think twice before I speak up, I blurt out before I think because I know the people around me understand anyway, they know how to read the different variations of my resting bitch face and know that me been quiet does not mean contempt or that I am aloof, but that I am simply thinking or don’t have anything to say… 

They know me and they know how to read me. I can be me… 

Without any fear, I can let my little inner girl’s teddy bear go and come out from under the blanket… 

But most of the time – I am an awkward social potato, but that’s ok, I found my mayo and can be potato salad with them…. 

How ‘bout you? 

Social potato or open and outgoing people person? 

 

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: