I am usually not the type to make a whole post about how terribly sorry I am about not blogging regularly – or at all – for a while, but in this special case, there is a little more to it than simple excuses and sorries and wallowing in self-pity. I have hit a huge writer’s block…. Not too uncommon, they come and go, but this one, this one is far different, stronger and it comes with more than just a pure block when it comes to writing, it comes with thoughts of inadequacy, insufficiency and lack of competence and a general feeling that whatever I produce is not good enough.
I had always loved writing in any form, I loved subjects at school that allowed for long and elaborate texts and essays, teachers loved and feared them, they were immaculate, well-researched and loooong. Whenever someone asked for an essay, everybody else would ask how long it had to be minimum, I would be the one asking how many pages I was allowed to do maximum. When others dropped a 2-page composition, mine would be a 32-page dissertation. Writing always was fun and very liberating as well as therapeutic. I wrote the diary, I am addicted to note-taking and list-making, therefore it was almost a natural course of events when I eventually started blogging in 2009/2009. I blogged on Myspace (yes, I am old), Xanga, then started and led a rather successful style blog on blogger, some of my older readers might still remember my old blog HatemeorLoveme and followed me here. And in 2017, after collecting experience and accumulated a nice amount of knowledge regarding blogging, SEO, pictures, graphic design, web design, writing etc. I started over new, with a project from the heart that I wanted to apply all that knowledge and experience onto. Lost Behind The Mirror was born.
But now it is in a crisis, I am in a crisis. The feeling of inadequacy and incompetence has only grown, my knowledge and experience, paired with relentless self-criticism and perfectionism, has brought me to a halt.
Nothing I write seems good enough, none of my pictures seem good enough, my texts not good enough, my blog design not good enough… Nothing seems good enough recently…
And I can’t shake that feeling, no matter how hard I try.
So I took a little time away from the blog, regular readers may have noticed, even though the English speaking reader base should still be relatively small, considering the fact that I only very recently added the language switch button to the blog. I tried to distract myself via other creative outlets. When I was younger, I would enjoy painting and drawing very much, but I hadn’t picked up a pencil or a brush in years and it felt amazing to scribble around again and to get lost in the play of colors and the creation of a picture. Since I have not much to show for the past few weeks, I decided to show some of the doodles I created here.
I was hoping, this would get rid of the writer’s block. But it didn’t…
And then there was only one last thing left to try to overcome this writer’s block – TO WRITE.
Simply start typing and lay bare all these shortcomings and self-doubts, let go of all these dandelion thoughts that cloud my head and thinking, admit the fears and frustrations that I am experiencing at this point.
I have written until now, that’s more than I did in the last few weeks, it might be a beginning…
I wonder, do you have insecurities that will flash up like this, too?
Maybe you are a blogger and have been in the same kind of predicament. How did you get out and what did you do about it?