1000 questions to ask yourself – part 1

The German magazine FLOW recently brought out a booklet with 1000 questions to ask yourself and it quickly got picked up by bloggers and swept the German blogosphere. I, too, was intrigued and quickly jumped on the bandwagon. Ok, not sooo quickly, it took me a minute, but here I am, starting to answer 1000 questions to ask myself – for you.
How better to get to know someone, yourself, or a blogger, in this case, ME, as to ask 1000 questions – and get the answers? So let’s go! 

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Bullet Journal June 2018 – TROPICAL – Spreads & Tutorials

I’ve been a little planner and list fanatic since I can remember – I’ve been journaling since I can remember as well. 

Unfortunately, most planners that you can buy turned out to be insufficient – there was not enough space or it was lacking space or simply didn’t cater to my needs. I soon started adding my own spreads to store-bought planners and journals and customizing them. When the bullet journal trend erupted,  naturally, I was intrigued and utilized these possibilities quickly. For the longest time, I didn’t really do much with it, I went about it the most pragmatic way possible, printed out trackers and spreads that I needed and added them to my normal journal. It was far from pretty or artsy, but very useful. After doing that for a few months and years, I learned which spreads and trackers I really utilize and need and which are not for me. I was ready for the next step. 

Hubby was so nice and bought me my first “real” bullet journal and I started to draw spreads, trackers etc. myself instead of printing them out and started decorating and drawing, too. 

Today, I want to show you my first “real” monthly overview and spreads that I did. 

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Makeup #6 – light summer look

You can tell my emotional state very well by looking at what I upload – when I am not feeling good and not doing good, when I am going through another bout of depression or anxiety, I won’t do any makeup or beauty related stuff and you won’t find any makeup or fashion posts on the blog, either.
When I feel well, on the other hand, I dive right in, do makeups, outfits and post a lot related to these topics, too.
You may have noticed that there weren’t any makeup posts or anything in that area on the blog for a while, I wasn’t doing too well, I was depressed and anxiety levels were high for a few months. This is finally changing, I am feeling a lot better and doing makeup again, now, that I feel relaxed enough to dabble in eyeshadows and lipsticks and such. 

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Life Update #5 – panic attacks, moving & zendalas

I probably don’t have to tell you guys that I have been rather absent when it comes to blogging the past few months, you’ve seen that yourselves. It’s been a rather stressful time and I have been doing anything but well. I had lots of panic attacks in the past months and weeks, as well as a bad depressive phase. I did a lot of mindfulness practices as well as drawing, reading and such, but I just didn’t have the energy or motivation for makeup, blogging and such. 

Wenn sonst nix geht und die Gedanken immerzu rasen, dann hilft mir oft nur noch malen. Meditation habe ich bereits zu oft recht fruchtlos versucht, ich kann meine Gedanken nicht abstellen, aber ich kann sie fokussieren, wenn ich Dinge wie Mandalas oder Zendalas male. Und genau das habe ich die letzten Tage getan. Es gibt ehrlicherweise kaum etwas Entspannenderes für mich, mein Hirn ist so in die Arbeit absorbiert, dass für Sorgen kaum Platz bleibt. Also genau das, was ich brauche. Das Bild mit dem Spruch ist mir leider misslungen, #Lettering muss ich wohl noch üben. Das Bild mit dem K kommt ins Kinderzimmer, dem Grossen hat es so gut gefallen. Das wird gerahmt und aufgehängt. Was ist DEINE perfekte Ablenkungsbeschäftigung, wenn sonst so gar nichts geht? . . . . . . . . #Mandala #zeichnen #Zendala #malen #Muster #gemalt #drawing #blackandwhite #detail #art #artist #therapy #imnotpicasso #mandalaart #zentangle #penart #anxiety #panikattacken

A post shared by Alicja Parks (@lostbehindthemirror) on


It’s not like I am leading such a full life that I just got buried under the huge amount of tasks of my everyday life – it was more of a private stress matter thing, plus, we were on the search for a new apartment for months and THAT was the most stressful and scary experience I’ve had in a long, long time. The Colorado housing market is HELL, I tell you, pure hell. Housing prices are through the roof, the most successful thing that can happen to someone looking for an apartment is getting added onto a 3 year waiting list – “We will give you a call if something becomes available…” 

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Anxiety and Panic Attacks – A comprehensive guide, treatment options and immediate self-help resources

It is a beautiful day, mild, the sun is shining, birds are singing, kid’s laughter is to be heard from the nearby playground, butterflies flutter by…
I am enjoying the warm rays of the sun on my face, slowly walking through the park, the kids already running towards the playground, shrieking in excitement, waving hellos to the other kids. I sit down on a bench, coffee in hand, and start rummaging around in my bag. I know, I still had a book in there and this is the perfect opportunity to continue reading it. The kids will be busy for quite a while, any effort to pry them loose from their imaginary adventures will prove to be futile – I am well prepared to spend at least an hour on this park bench…
Another glance at the kids to make sure they are safe and in eye sight, I flip through the pages, trying to find the page where I left off last night. The kids are laughing, running, in their own world. I start reading…

A moment later, the letters on the page start to blur, I can’t make them out anymore. Like a dark fog, a surreal, irrational fear starts to close in, my heart starts beating faster and my breath is short, a heaviness around my chest, closing in, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe… I am getting dizzy, I can’t really see well anymore, the world seems to be spinning so fast, the sunlight is blinding, every noise alarming. I feel like running, but I can’t move, or breathe, or think. I can’t breathe…
I am so afraid.
But why am I so afraid?
There’s nothing to be afraid of…
I can’t breathe…
I can’t move…
The heaviness on my chest.
My palms sweaty, the book almost gliding through my fingers, I am trembling…
I can’t breathe…
What am I so afraid of…?

I am taking gasps of air, then remind myself to try to breathe calmly. I squeeze my fists, clench them hard, then release, I CAN move.
I CAN breathe…
Slowly, calmly…
I am so goddamn afraid and I don’t know why!

The fog seems to retreat as I force my breathing to become more regular, still clenching and unclenching my fists.
The bird’s singing and the kid’s laughter breaks through the fog.
I can breathe…
I can breathe…
I am still alive…
It is over.
There was nothing to be afraid of…

It was just a panic attack. Another one. The third one this week and it is only Tuesday. But I survived it like so many before. Some are harder to get through than others, some last longer, some go by quickly. They are all unexpected, but well feared, without a warning sign, like a bad storm that hits you and then retreats and leaves you with the aftermath.

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